Friday, December 13, 2013

Fear of running.

I'm afraid of running.

I haven't run much at all the past month plus.


I'm afraid.

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of how my knee will react.  No, I'm afraid my knee will hurt.  I've had days where it hurts when I walk.  I've had days where it felt great.  I've been doing Focus T25, though not regularly.  Somedays I have to modify the exercises for my knee, some days I don't.

I'm afraid that if I run, the pain will bring me down.  Every time I feel a twinge, I think about not running any more.  I think about the dr who told me I shouldn't run anymore, or even ride my bike a whole lot because of the structure of my knee.

But I need to overcome this fear.


Because if I let it take over, then I won't be running because of fear, not because of my knee.

It's just like I tell kids, if you never ask, the answer will always be 'no'.  If you ask, there'a always a chance it'll be 'yes'.  I need to take that chance.  I need to run.  I need to hear that 'yes' and say 'fuck you' to the dr that operated on my knee and told me I shouldn't run anymore.


  1. Erik - I went through the same thing with my doc a couple of years ago, he told me to never run again. I listened sooooo well, but I didn't have 2 surgeries and the level of reconditioning you did either. If you return to running, initially there will be pain and yes it will hurt - just the way it is, expect it. Just try to run/walk a half mile for a week, see what happens, take it slowly, it took me almost a year before I was running pain-free and from time-to-time my knee still barks at me pretty loudly, telling me how much of a dumb-ass I am.

    The pain comes and goes, as long as I am not doing any more structural damage to it, I just run, there was a difference from the pain before the surgery and the pain I felt after/now - I think you will know what I mean. Am I a crazy runnah - probably, but I wanted to run too much to let a little thing like my knee hurting like hell stop me.

    Besides that frigging doctor's attitude was such that I had to tell him to "shove it" by my actions, not just words and I make sure to wave when I am running by his house which is over 8 miles from where I live ;-).

    You have to find out if you can or not. If you can't then you have given it the effort you need to satisfy your own mind - no one else's. You will move on, but YOU will know for sure one way or the other. :-)

    If I can help or be a pain in the ass, just let me know more than willing to do either ;-)

  2. Thanks Harold! I was doing so well over the summer- 3-4 days a week and 2-4 miles at a time. I even did 2x1/4 mile efforts at a sub 8 and 7 pace each. Then I was sprinting around bases at a baseball practice and that was all she wrote. It's been pain on and off since :)

  3. I totally get your reservations. Maybe your doc is right, but in my experience docs are pretty quick to recommend not running ever again. It was recommended to me when I effed up my knee skiing moguls. You know you have to try again. Like you said, if you don't, the answer is automatically no. Fingers crossed for you.

  4. I will get out tomorrow! I plan on doing a couple laps around the snow covered field behind our house. A combo of walking/ running to get restarted. On the plus side, if it starts to hurt a bit, I can just kneel :)

  5. Great post! I've had ankle and back issues for over a year now. Am finally returning to full strength, but the smallest twinge freaks me out. I don't want to go back to being stuck on the couch!

  6. Thanks Kayla! I was hoping to get out last night for some laps in the snow, but that didn't happen. Hopefully tonight! Shoveling and snowblowing has me ready for a nap, now :) Pushing that thing around with a flat and a missing chain was tough!!

  7. We're here for you Erik! If you need to ease into running, then do so. Don't cause any more damage, but it's hard to give up something you love. Besides, your blog name is "Running Moose." How are you going to keep that name if you stop running!? ;-)

  8. The life of a runner can be tough. Fear can suck but I get it. When my hip was bad I feared that pain. I still fear the return of that IT pain that nagged me for a brief instant almost a year ago. I feel tightness and twinges and they are often reminders to stretch, roll, massage, or go to the chiropractor. As I sit here today my hip is a little more vocal but I also feel our fears are often worse than the reality and I really should roll on a tennis ball.

    You are smart. You are able to truly listen to your body. Listen to it. And yes, your knee will talk to you and I will expect it to always have something to say here and there. Stick to your PT and all you are doing and give progressively longer running a try. You have huge goals and I see no reason to stop dreaming. And doctors...they are only guessing a lot of the time...and yes, my doctor has told me such. She is ruling out the bad things and letting me know what is left is what is left. And often, no answers. So a verdict that you can't run doesn't sit well on my mind. People are always defying what the doctors say will happen or can't happen.

    I have faith in you. :)

  9. Thanks Cecil. Easing back in is definitely in order! back to the 1/4 on, 1/4 off!!

  10. Thanks Erica! Jane thought he was a bit of an a-hole :) And, I didn't really like him from the start. I will be listening to that knee and doing what I can and controlling what I can!